M: Bond
JAMES: Yes M
M: Spectre is onto you
JAMES: How?
M: Because you keep introducing yourself as Bond
JAMES: Hmm they are cleverer than I thought
M: You must go under cover
JAMES: Fine
M: No I mean properly under cover. Not like Cannes.
JAMES: What was wrong with Cannes?
M: You were identified too easily.
JAMES: How?
MONEYPENNY: I’m afraid every woman on the beach remembers your blue shorts.
M: Thank you Moneypenny
MONEYPENNY: One woman only remembered when Spectre’s henchmen stuffed several socks into the trunks.
JAMES: Really? How many pairs.
MONEYPENNY: At least 5.
JAMES: Huh, is that all?
M: They were sports socks James, the little ones. Never the less you must be properly under cover this time.
JAMES: Don’t worry M, I have the perfect sombrero
M: You’ve used it before and the union jack hat band is a dead give away. Think more creatively, something completely unlike you.
JAMES: Ummm a priest?
M: A woman
MONEYPENNY: He could never pull that off.
JAMES: Correct. I’m 100% pumping testosterone.
M: Act James act
JAMES: Ahem (high pitched). Hello my name is Bond, Jane Bond.
M: The voice is good but the name isn’t much of a creative leap is it.
JAMES: Janine?
M: No
JAMES: Janet?
M: No
MONEYPENNY: How about Jo Jo Bondage?
JAMES: No
M: Perfect.
MONEYPENNY: Come with me James you need to get kitted out.
JAMES: Great, new weapons.
MONEYPENNY: Killer heels.
M: Remember James, you are no longer a man. You must think, act and behave like a woman.
JAMES: (high pitched) Don’t worry M. I have everything under control.
M: Good luck.
TOUGH GUY: Well hey there pretty lady.
JAMES: (high pitched)hey there tough guy. My name is Bondage, Jo Jo Bondage.
TOUGH GUY: Say Jo Jo, have you seen a guy wearing these swimming trunks?
JAMES: (high pitched) No Sir, I’m sure I would have remembered.
TOUGH GUY: Yeah most women seem to. Say can I buy you a drink?
JAMES: (high pitched) Why sure.
TOUGH GUY: What’ll it be.
JAMES: (high pitched) Vodka Martini please
TOUGH GUY: shaken or stirred?
JAMES: (high pitched) Erm shaken?
FX: BANG
JAMES: Darn
FX: BANG
FX: Two bodies fall to the floor.
MONEYPENNY: James James are you alright?
JAMES: No Money penny I’ve been shot.
MONEYPENNY: Does this help?
JAMES: No, the bullet’s in my side not down there.
MONEYPENNY: Sorry James I just went for the first thing that was throbbing.
JAMES: A miscalculation on your part. Here help me up
MONEYPENNY: James we must get you to the hospital.
JAMES: No money, two kidneys is superfluous, I just need ice and an aspirin.
MONEYPENNY: But there’s a gaping hole.
JAMES: Women love scars.
MONEYPENNY: James you’re stumbling.
JAMES: You’re right Money, I’m worse than I thought. I can’t go on.
MONEYPENNY: You can James, you can.
JAMES: No I can’t. Take these heels off me.
FX: Two shoes fall to the floor.
JAMES: Ah that’s better. Would someone get this wheelchair out the way?
BLOWFIELD: That isn’t very politically correct of you Mr Bond.
JAMES: How dare you! I’m as sensitive as a fat cripple with an identity crisis.
BLOWFIELD: I’m doing this for all wheelchair users.
MONEYPENNY: Mr Blowfield, please lower the gun.
JAMES: I supposed you expect me to talk.
BLOWFIELD: No Mr Bond, I expect you to die.
FX: BANG
MONEYPENNY: Oh no James, he’s shot your right arm off.
JAMES: Very observant Moneypenny, but it doesn’t matter, I’m omnidexterous, see?
FX: A cat screeches.
BLOWFIELD: Very clever Mr Bond, to use my cat as a body shield.
JAMES: That’s right Blowfield, one false move and your pussy is licked.
BLOWFIELD: First wheelchair users, then poor defenceless animals, have you no shame Mr Bond?
JAMES: Lower your gun Blowfield, I’m warning you
BLOWFIELD: Can you at least not hold him by his tail.
JAMES: But you can get a better swing….
FX: Cat screeches again and then CLUNK
MONEYPENNY: Well done James, you’ve knocked out Blowfield
JAMES: Correct Money, the cat’s got his tongue. However we must scram, the worst is yet to come.
MONEYPENNY: Scaramanga?
JAMES: No. RSPCA.
Comic Ponder 