Month: February 2019

A Complete Headcase

by The Blog Fish, posted in General Life

DOCTOR: Ah Mr Jones, so lovely to see you.  How can I help?

MR JONES: I’m not happy about my hair transplant Doctor

DOCTOR:  Really I thought it was a raging success.  Take your hat off and let me have a look.  Ah what a beautiful thatch.

MR JONES: It’s a toupee stapled to my head

DOCTOR: That’s an outrageous accusation

MR JONES: Here look at the staples.

DOCTOR: Well I know about those, but I did not use a toupee

MR JONES: A wig then

DOCTOR: Nope

MR JONES: Scruffy soft toy you found on the ground

DOCTOR: No

MR JONES: Dead hamster?

DOCTOR: No Mr Jones, it’s a merkin

MR JONES: What’s a merkin?

DOCTOR: It’s er a higher quality type of hair.  I was lucky to get it, particularly as it gives you a lovely widows peak, just like David Beckham

MR JONES: It’s blonde and curly

DOCTOR:  I can see that

MR JONES: I have straight black hair

DOCTOR: Yes

Silence

MR JONES: It doesn’t match

DOCTOR: Did you specify it had to match?

MR JONES: No, I just assumed it would

DOCTOR:  Why did you assume that?

MR JONES: Because the purpose of a transplant to hide baldness in an inconspicuous way

DOCTOR:  For some men perhaps. Not all. Yours is rather fetching. I fear you might be on the picky side?

MR JONES: I want a refund Doctor.  I’m not happy at all.

DOCTOR: A refund?  Absolutely not.  I used the latest cutting edge technology.

MR JONES: A staple gun?

DOCTOR:  Expertly applied.  And you’re lucky we’re not using the nail gun anymore (under his breath) ungrateful

MR JONES: Doctor I thought the hair would be implanted into my scalp

DOCTOR:  Ha, imagine if I’d done that with the blonde curls. How would I have been able to change that now that blonde curls aren’t good enough for you

MR JONES: I’d have had to dye and straighten the hair I suppose.  However I was reading you could have transferred it from my own head

DOCTOR: From where?

MR JONES: From the parts that aren’t balding

DOCTOR: And leave those parts bare?  Mr Jones I really you think you should leave surgical procedures to the professional’s.

MR JONES: Doctor I’m prepared to go to lawyers to recover my money

DOCTOR: That is your prerogative, however I think you’ll find the cost of a lawyer will outstrip any gain from suing me.

MR JONES: Then I’ll report you to the Ethics committee.

DOCTOR:  Please do Mr Jones, now I must be cracking along.  Don’t like to keep my squash buddies waiting, they’re on the BMA you know.

MR JONES: What is that?

DOCTOR: British Medical Association. Ethics Committee in fact.  Enjoy your hair Mr Jones and stop tugging it.

MR JONES: It’s itchy

DOCTOR: Your body will never adjust to the staples if you keep tugging at it.

Cowboy Randy & his Fanny Pack of Fear

by The Blog Fish, posted in Historical

KID:  Grandpa, tell me one of your stories about the days of the wild wild west?   What about Billy the Kid and Jesse James?

GRANDPA: No sonny boy.  I can’t be bothered.

KID:  Please Grandpa.  Just one story.

GRANDPA: Do you promise to quit yer whining.

KID: Sure Grandpa, if you put your gun away.

GRANDPA: Deal.  Now I’m going to tell you the story of the scariest cowboy that ever lived.  It’ll make you think twice before you ask me fer a story agin.

KID:  Why Grandpa.  Who is it?

GRANDPA: This is the tale of the downright nastiest SOB that ever lived.

KID: What is SOB?

GRANDPA: Son of a … bear.  Yes Sir, cause he was mean as one.  An I ain’t talking about your fluffy wuffy kind.

KID:  Who was he?

GRANDPA: This man’s name is synonymous with terror and fear. He was called… Cowboy Randy and his fanny pack of fear.

KID:  What’s a fanny pack?

GRANDPA: A pouch boy, fer a gun.

KID: Like a holster?

GRANDPA: Kindda, but good for loose change too.

KID:  Doesn’t sound too scary.

GRANDPA:  No but he was.  That cowboy killed just cos you looked at ‘im funny.

KID: Like the ghetto down the road?

GRANDPA: A bit Sonny but meaner,  Cowboy Randy had his own gang and they all went out west. They were called, The Village People, and they had one aim only.

KID: What was that Grandpa?

GRANDPA: To be the machoest man alive.

KID:  What did they do?

GRANDPA: They shot and killed anyone at any time.

KID: No Grandpa! How many?

GRANDPA: No one was left to stand around an count em.  That fanny pack was seen & feared in most of the Western territories.  The terror it caused when people saw that fluorescent pink thing bobbing up and down on that there horse, change jangling wildly from all those gambling dens he’d been a haunting, only dead corpses left to play cards with.  And he still lost, which made him madder.

KID:  What happened?

GRANDPA: The authorities chased him all the way down to Alabama for the ultimate show down.

KID:  Where?

GRANDPA: The YMCA. They tried to get themselves clean but they was rotten to the core.

KID:   Did they die in a big shoot out?

GRANDPA:  Most of em.  It all got ugly when they’s found they couldn’t have as good a time as they was hopin’ fer.  But old Wild Bill reckon’s he saw Cowboy Randy escaping onboard a ship.

KID:  Did he?

GRANDPA: I reckon so. In the best disguise ever. Ha.  An officer an a gentleman.

KID: No!

GRANDPA: Yeap. He was in the navy.  He could sail the seven seas if he wanted.

KID: You sure it was him?

GRANDPA: Wild Bill was pretty sure.  In that white suit, that officer had the pinkest groin seen from here to Tennessee.