Category: Historical

KID:  Grandpa, tell me one of your stories about the days of the wild wild west?   What about Billy the Kid and Jesse James?

GRANDPA: No sonny boy.  I can’t be bothered.

KID:  Please Grandpa.  Just one story.

GRANDPA: Do you promise to quit yer whining.

KID: Sure Grandpa, if you put your gun away.

GRANDPA: Deal.  Now I’m going to tell you the story of the scariest cowboy that ever lived.  It’ll make you think twice before you ask me fer a story agin.

KID:  Why Grandpa.  Who is it?

GRANDPA: This is the tale of the downright nastiest SOB that ever lived.

KID: What is SOB?

GRANDPA: Son of a … bear.  Yes Sir, cause he was mean as one.  An I ain’t talking about your fluffy wuffy kind.

KID:  Who was he?

GRANDPA: This man’s name is synonymous with terror and fear. He was called… Cowboy Randy and his fanny pack of fear.

KID:  What’s a fanny pack?

GRANDPA: A pouch boy, fer a gun.

KID: Like a holster?

GRANDPA: Kindda, but good for loose change too.

KID:  Doesn’t sound too scary.

GRANDPA:  No but he was.  That cowboy killed just cos you looked at ‘im funny.

KID: Like the ghetto down the road?

GRANDPA: A bit Sonny but meaner,  Cowboy Randy had his own gang and they all went out west. They were called, The Village People, and they had one aim only.

KID: What was that Grandpa?

GRANDPA: To be the machoest man alive.

KID:  What did they do?

GRANDPA: They shot and killed anyone at any time.

KID: No Grandpa! How many?

GRANDPA: No one was left to stand around an count em.  That fanny pack was seen & feared in most of the Western territories.  The terror it caused when people saw that fluorescent pink thing bobbing up and down on that there horse, change jangling wildly from all those gambling dens he’d been a haunting, only dead corpses left to play cards with.  And he still lost, which made him madder.

KID:  What happened?

GRANDPA: The authorities chased him all the way down to Alabama for the ultimate show down.

KID:  Where?

GRANDPA: The YMCA. They tried to get themselves clean but they was rotten to the core.

KID:   Did they die in a big shoot out?

GRANDPA:  Most of em.  It all got ugly when they’s found they couldn’t have as good a time as they was hopin’ fer.  But old Wild Bill reckon’s he saw Cowboy Randy escaping onboard a ship.

KID:  Did he?

GRANDPA: I reckon so. In the best disguise ever. Ha.  An officer an a gentleman.

KID: No!

GRANDPA: Yeap. He was in the navy.  He could sail the seven seas if he wanted.

KID: You sure it was him?

GRANDPA: Wild Bill was pretty sure.  In that white suit, that officer had the pinkest groin seen from here to Tennessee.

Henry: Walk with me advisors, whatever names you own

Simon: I am Simon your Worshipfulness. Simon of the Seven Sceptres.   I fought with you at the battle of Boulogne. I am honoured to be walking at your side

Henry: By my side? Get back you foul smelling miscreant

Stanley: I’m Stanley. I’ve merely served 17 years at court however Stanley is quite long to remember at two syllables.

Henry: Silence fool!. I want to know how I’m viewed by my people after that unfortunate incident with the tomato

Stanley: That was accidental Sire, I saw the lady trip myself which sent the officious vegetable flying

Simon: To be sure, your people adore you Sire. They gaze at you longingly, hoping for any projection of spittle that might pass your lips. Your battles, all victorious

Stanley: And your glorious search for marital bliss, endless

Henry: Witches all of them. Plus a few slipped the block.  You think I’ll be remembered for them?

Stanley: No Sire. It was a mere situational peculiarity

Henry: Indeed. I was greatly wronged

Simon: Heart wrenching for such a glorious leader. The Rays of God himself shine joyously upon your shining visage

Henry: It is true.  I was called Adonis, fair of calf.

Stanley: Indeed Sire. A long time ago

Henry: Not so long ago

Simon: No Sire, thou art fair of calf and muscular still

Stanley: No one will ever wonder how such fair calves support such a grand frame.

Henry: Grand indeed

Simon: And such a glorious thatch of red hair

Stanley: that shines like the most succulent of carrots.

Henry: Hmmm enough. I want to be known as a fair and wise king, not just devastatingly handsome. All must come to love me such that echoing my names makes babes weep that they will never know my grandeur.

Simon: And your humility

Henry: That too

Stanley: Piety

Henry: ah yes, I do pray to God.  It isn’t cursing

Simon: Charity

Henry: At times. To my friends. Such wonderful parties.

Stanley: Insightful

Henry: In many ways

Stanley: Yes sire.   Material possessions will never nourish the soul

Henry: Quite so

Stanley: Indeed Sire how your people rejoice for the treasury that flourishes like a field of golden daffodils, Ruby roses, and sapphire bluebells. A glory of colour

Henry: A beautiful picture, kept safely with me

Simon: And the love your people bear you Sire

Stanley: Is the strength of a glorious candle flame that flickers on the raft of a stormy ocean

Henry: You think me stupid boy? I could easily extinguish you too

Simon: He meant the strength of the ocean your Majesty

Stanley: Indeed. My expression was not quite accurate Sire, from the depths of my soul I apologise

Henry: You tire me. Leave

Stanley: Yes Sir

FX: Door closes

Simon: You could have got us killed. Bloody candle!

Stanley: Yes it was stupid of me

Simon: It’s dangerous to be so careless, we must not speak our minds

Stanley: Indeed only to each other must we acknowledge that King Henry ‘s most memorable feat is the lengths he went, to get a shag from the Boleyn woman

Simon: An entire nation in turmoil. If only he’d been satisfied with Good Time Gertie from the Fish and Spear

Stanley: As fine a filly as any. And you get used to the scratching after a month or so

FX: A soft drum beat.

RAGING STALLION: How Sitting Bull.

SITTING BULL: How young Cinicha, Son of Roaring River.

CYRIL: Howdee Dodee Sitting Bull.

SITTING BULL: Hmmm How young Cyril, adopted Pale Face. Please sit. Today you are no longer boys. Today you are both men. You get your new name. You Cinicha is now known as Raging Stallion.

RAGING STALLION: Thank you Sitting Bull. Is big Honour.

CYRIL: What about me? What is my new name? What is it? I’ve had some ideas.

RAGING STALLION: You young Cyril will be known as cross…

CYRIL: Yes Cross, angry, furious

SITTING BULL: eyed pigeon.

CYRIL: Yesss. Erm what?

SITTING BULL: Cross Eyed pigeon.

CYRIL: So he gets Raging Stallion and I get Cross eyed pigeon?

SITTING BULL: Pigeon makes good messenger.

CYRIL: And a cross eyed one?

SITTING BULL:  Tend to go in circles.

CYRIL: So I’m good for nothing.

SITTING BULL: Some men are born great, some have it thrust upon them, but for many of us. We just are.

CYRIL: Are what?

SITTING BULL: There.

RAGING STALLION: Cross eye. Be still. There be many pigeons therefore you may have many partners.

CYRIL: Hey yeah.

SITTING BULL: No cross eye. Many pigeon means, many pies.

CYRIL: Awww that’s not fair. Can I’ve another name?

SITTING BULL: Squealing piglet?

CYRIL: No.   Another.

SITTING BULL: Bandy – legged Bandicoot?

CYRIL: Nooooo

SITTING BULL: Ah Whining Weasel!

CYRIL: I was thinking more Leaping Panther. Or Growling Bear

SITTING BULL:  Raging stallion kill 3 boar. What you kill?

CYRIL: A squirrel.

RAGING STALLION:  He sat on it. Then took it and nursed it.

CYRIL: So! Why can’t a warrior be a vegetarian?

SITTING BULL: You kill to eat, or go pick berries.

RAGING STALLION: He faints at sight of blood.

CYRIL: (furious) That’s not true! (quieter) I have allergies.

SITTING BULL: Name remains.

CYRIL: No Sitting Bull. Please give me a chance.

SITTING BULL: Then you must travel three leagues west to the land of the mohawks and kill their sacred leader Rampant Badger. Bring me his bloodied heart.

CYRIL: eeewwww.

SITTING BULL:  Name remains.

CYRIL: Fine I’ll do it.

SITTING BULL: Have courage pigeon.

CYRIL: I don’t need it. I’m off.

FX: Sound of footsteps.

RAGING STALLION: Sitting Bull, Pigeon has not returned for 2 weeks now.

SITTING BULL: He has much to prove. What is that on the horizon?

RAGING STALLION: He returns! Pigeon my brother, what news?

SITTING BULL: You look much thinner pigeon. All well?

CYRIL: All well Sitting Bull. Here is the heart.

RAGING STALLION: Well done Pigeon.

SITTING BULL: Hmm heart, very large.

CYRIL: He was a giant of a man, he fought bravely.

SITING BULL: Heart is buffalo’s, like one seen in pale face butcher.

CYRIL: That’s not true.

SITTING BULL: Rampant Badger only five foot. This heart bigger than his head.

CYRIL: Aw well it wasn’t my fault. It’s been so cloudy, I couldn’t get my sundial to work.

SITTING BULL: No excuse. Tracking skills?

CYRIL: Played havoc with my hay fever.

SITTING BULL: You fail Cross Eyed.

CYRIL: I didn’t fail. I showed ingenuity.

SITTING BULL: No Cross-eye. Idiocy. Name remains.

FX: Cyril wails

CYRIL: It wasn’t my fault. This wolf kept following me.

SITTING BULL: Ah, Wolves are murderous. How you survive Cross Eye?

CYRIL: I played my pan pipe. It liked to boogie.

SITTING BULL: Very wise Cross Eyed. Now Cross Eye must die.

CYRIL: What? why?

SITTING BULL: You now known as Dances with Wolves.

CYRIL: Gees, really? How about the Wolverine?

SITTING BULL: Do not push it, or back to cross-eyed.